coldest story ever told.

that last post makes me mad. i hate capitalizing things. i have a lot of resentment right now. and im not sure if thats even the right word for how i feel. i just need to write right now. put my thoughts out there. because i dont feel like wasting paper and ink. i always write in sentence fragments. not sure why. i sometimes dont finish my sentences when im actually speaking either.

tonight is the first night ive actually been lonely in a very very long time. even when i was confined to nothingness over summer, i still wasnt lonely - i didnt even want to see anyone. but now, i just want to be surrounded by people. only certain people though. ive always been very independent. but now, i want more than anything to just mingle with the crowd. its a weird change. but i think its a good change. i could go a weekend with just staying at home, but now i feel like i HAVE to be out. i just want to leave the nest. fly with the sparrow. its a metaphor.

maybe me wanting to be surrounded by people, is really me becoming even more independent.

Today I got back from California. The whole time we were there I was dying to come back home. I didn't enjoy and soak in our vacation, because I was anxious to come back to Arizona. I was happy to come home at first, but now I want more than anything to get away. I take my family for granted.
I'm going to my friend's house in a little bit. Her goofy ways can cheer me up.

Home is where the heart is. Hearts get hurt. It's better to stay away from home, where you wear your heart on your sleeve.

a wise man

"Just wait a while. It'll happen."
- a wise man. :)

If there's one thing I need to learn in life, it's to have patience and some faith in people. I always look for the worst outcome of a situation, when in reality things aren't even that bad. I just need to calm down and wait. wait. wait.
Plus I need to give myself some credit. low self esteem.

I'm working on everything.

school's out. Let the games begin.

that's what you get

i cant promise you anything
i know yeah i'm slow
i sleep the best in cold
dreams are the place to be
- Saturday by chris Garneau

whywhywhy. I just want the year to be over. Two more days. This is a little view of how the days have been going. (the one above included) Wow. The most relevant song just came on. Eff you Relient K.

who i am hates who I've been

Make it happen. But how? Get over it, and move one.
I want to be frank and tell you this statement above.

Hi, I'm Frank. I wish..

I sound legitimately crazy. I'm not i swear.

hmm

younger
older
close friend
party friend
beautiful
just alright

oh the choices. It makes my heart thump.

it's a bipolar kind of day

This morning I woke up at 4:30 and almost started getting ready for school. But I forced myself back to sleep and had a dream I was using bleach to brush my teeth. I looked up what the meaning of bleach was in my dream dictionary, and it makes sense.

]In dance we were doing a seance in the auditorium. It really didn't scare me because nothing happened. People had bad energy in the room.

During lunch me and my friend just sat stagnant. But then her boyfriend came over and she got all googly eyed with love and I got depressed. I honestly didn't get jealous, but it was more like I was so happy that she could STILL have those special feelings 8 months into their relationship. It gave me hope for the world. haha

Then at the beginning of math I started crying because I was so overcome with emotion and I feel so lonely (not friend wise). Then I was laughing because I finally admitted to myself that I am lonesome.

I came home had a screaming match with my mom and then went to sleep.
Woke up and went to a party for dance with the ones I love. ♥
We play dress up when we aren't summoning ghosts in dance.

Find me a gentleman like him

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

i dreamt of

MAC products last night. Not even lying. Particularly
Wait.. would it be "dreamt of" or "dreamed of"?
Especially the Peppermint Patti nail polish that's sold out. *tears*

It's a sign that I need to go get some things I've been eyeballing lately.
I seriously could spend over an hour on the website just drooling.
So, tomorrow I'm going to march my little butt into Dillard's (since there's not an actual MAC store close by), and buy whatever my heart desires. Ok maybe not everything my heart desires, because then I will go broke.

it makes me smile

I'M HAPPY KNOWIN' THAT YOU ARE MINE
THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
THE MORE I THINK THE MORE I WISH
THAT WE COULD JUST LIE FOR HOURS AND
JUST REMINISCE, A OO OO.

- Cristopher Drew, Nevershoutnever

The one where I get mushy

I love my friends with all my heart - the ones that stand by you through everything, and seeing them is the best part of the day. The ones who aren't afraid to be affectionate in public, because they don't care what others think. It's nice to know that they're also gotten past the point of caring caring caring.
It also helps that they're two years older than me, because they share experience of their past. They're a good influence on me, but not when we act a fool and people give us dirty looks. haha
Some people just don't understand the love we share. I hope one day the people who give us dirty looks can feel what we feel and finally be like "ok i get it".

"A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart."

"Friends are the sunshine of life." -- John Hay (1871)

"True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eye."

Commitment

I told my friend to make a list of all the animals he could think of, and he's making me make a list of things that start with "j". So let's get crackalackin. I haven't even thought of anything yet. I'll be adding more throughout April when a radom word comes along. Im a nerd. NO DICTIONARY CAN BE USED.

juice, jumper, jam, jupiter,january, june, july, jewish, justice, juniper, jizz, jazz, jump, jeté, jerrycurls, just, jaunt, jack, jill, jim, jello, jelly, jabber, jen, jiffy, JUNO, justification, jigglypuff , jeopordy, jawbreaker, jag, jig, jail, juvenile, jog, jungle, jujubee, jubilation, jugular, jumbalaya, jesus, juxtaposition, job, jackpot, judge, jar, jaw, juggle, joint, Japan, journal, jester, jellyfish, jackass, jingle, jinx, jesus

add more in the comments

I'm illiterate at night

I'm in desperate need of a camera. Every single picture off of this blog (that are mine) were taken from my phone. That doesn't even sound grammatically correct. Letting your hair grow out is a beeotch. ^^^ outfit from Saturday. The shorts were purple - i borrowed them from my thankfully same sized friend. I've never had a friend that is the same size as me, and trust me, we are taking advantage of each others' wardrobes.

The grand opening of the FREAKIN GINORMOUS Forever 21 by my house was Saturday. It's the largest one in Arizona. I had to go, just to see if it was really possible to upgrade the small one to two stories. Yeah it was bazarre, but I loved it. AND i fell in love there,, and it wasnt with a clothing item. haha

well i have to catch the bus in the morning, for the first time in 2 years. That'll be interesting.

i don't button

Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight.

You have stolen my heart I wore this today. I'm kind of over my previous style. I feel more mature lately. Since when does satin and pearls signify maturity?
[the buttons are done up wrong in this picture. haha how sophisticated]

What I am wearing tomorrow:

You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

lyrics by Dashboard confessional

i sat here trying to think of a title

I'm thrown back into the real world.

Today I got back from Cougartown as a Counselor In Training (CIT).
The delegates who went from my school (it was their first time going) really helped me find myself. It was their experience (i already had mine), and I observed so many things. It confirmed that I want change. It confirmed that I love so many people. It confirmed that I am afraid. It scares me to have the responsibility of almost a hundred people looking at me for guidance and leadership. But I honestly feel that I did a very good job, and there's no "right" way to do it. Multiple people told me that I helped them, and it made me feel an emotion that I cannot describe. I feel accomplished. BUT I will only truely feel accomplished when we go back to school and the students spread their knowledge to the rest of the school. Because I feel one is needed.

"Cougartown doesn't change you. You change yourself"

I don't want other people be hurt by the pain I once felt.
I will say what I need to say, tell the people I love that I love them, and love myself.
I love you.
You are beautiful
I wanted to stand up and scream at you all.
why arent you doing anything
You have to be the change that you want to see
You cant help whom who like or love
Hobo Jim is going to come sleep in your sleeping bag

I became sisters with the strongest and most respectable brothers, and created a sisterhood with other women who have all had sorrows. Saying that I "met a lot of amazing people" isn't enough. That does not even cover the surface.

I realized that I have a deeper feeling of love for some. And want others to feel the same. But I don't fully understand. If anything, things got a lot more confusing. What happens when you realize a friend deserves a "title" greater than just a friend?

"I believe love is the answer. I believe love will find a way"

let's pause life as it is

I wish my whole life could be like this weekend. It cannot be described in words. Pictures better suit it - "a picture is worth a thousand words" as they say.
It sounds crazy, but I feel like a new person. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Like I can relax a little bit. I don't know if I should say everything that happened, but I want it to stay in my mind forever. Think of it as you wish.
I'm happy I get to see these 5 people everyday, I just wish everyday could have the aesthetic as our trip to California did. I threw my heart into the ocean because I'll never find love.

In love